he was good enough
the way he was

didn’t need to change for ransom
don’t need to
don’t want to
be your escape clause

don’t want to
be your lost cause

when you say it’s easy to
be brave like stone

ok, give me
give me my wall
-I need it to find
find my exit.

i still try
to quench my thirst
from the empty face
that used to give me my fill

-but
my Hand opens
and releases a new state of mind
for every day.

i taste you
in my choices
and mannerisms
in things that i drink
in things people see in me
it’s not me who meant
to make them angry

it’s not me who i won’t
apologize foR i promise
i promise me
to listen
something doesn’t ring true
no matter how you play
i’m always looking past the sounds
thinking past the thoughtS i’ve been
told to think for my
for my betterment

i guess I don’t want to better
me I just want to be
waiting
and watching
for my good.

i tried to choose a mind to read
but ended up reading my own
it didn’t need translation
i’ve just spent so much time between the lines
where there’s only white.

you’re looking for a hero
in people made of stone
he doesn’t move around much but
he’s always home
i was born to survive
not to live
and if i ask
dont tell me why
don’t tell me why
because

it’s a lie
I was born to live
and to love
and to find
giants that live in the smallest places.

when it comes i step

to the next one

 and the next one

 and the next one

I wait for the warmth that’s far away

when it gets close i’m cold again

so i’ll have something to wait for

next time you say

you’re on your way

here comes your punishment
taken then given away
here comes your excuse
to get up in the morning each day
here comes your reasoning
when you’re done,
i’ll throw it away

they say God will judge you–
but that’s what people do

they say God forsook you
but people do
whatever they want
to.

we will never
completely silence those nagging voices
not inside
or out.

someone
will always come around
to tell you you’re not good enough
to say you’re self-righteous
and angry
and vindictive
when really all you seek is
love
and you have to kill off some demons
along the way
that have always gotten in the way.

Sometimes
I just need a little reminder of these things
and slowly I can pull together
and accept the rest.

Why must we be puffed up until we’re floating above it all,
then brought down until we sink?
Why not just be?

Expectations are an ocean
an Endless void between us
I’d rather not see what lives down there
especially those scary glow-in-the-dark fish
tamer than they appear.

It should be easy enough not to look, I thought
but with one toe in water, I’ve suddenly drowned
and I wake up freezing
obsessing over everything they said
and all the little demands unsaid
that the words imply.

Be more agressive.
-but-
Be more polite.

You should be more open.
-but-
“You can just keep to yourself!”

Too good
and Never good enough–
it’s enough to make anyone throw up
trying to meet everyone’s contradictory expectations.
So I throw up my hands
and say, “Forget it.
I won’t bend to pressures from either side.
I will just be.”
And so I become an island–
having pushed all else away–
but I see I’m surrounded by water
that great big void of expectations
that separates me from the mainland shore.

And then I remember–
I don’t know how to swim.

under ether
the surgeon has the answer
a clean white man’s perfection
can be yours…
but first you must sleep

under ether
my mind went to the woods
hunting myself–
trying to get that arrow through my heart.
Funny how it always misses
that most important muscle.

But the doctors are working to fix that
They will connect my mind and heart
so that we won’t fight anymore–
at least that’s how I understand
their optimistic jargon.
“You’ll feel better!”

Maybe their drugs
just made me a fool.

When I woke,
I saw the incisions and adjustments
all done to mask the fact that
they couldn’t achieve my hopes.

“We’ll start physical therapy tomorrow”–
before the nausea wears off
and I’ll be another person passing
in society
another person who can pass
for perfect–
at least when he isn’t sleeping.